


If I'm Not Empty, I'm Not Worth It

by Cact_ass



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Feel my pain lmao, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, just a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:34:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29040975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cact_ass/pseuds/Cact_ass
Summary: When did this sickness take root inside of him? When did his life start revolving around food, around numbers and weight? How did it spiral so quickly?A timeline of all the small incidents that lead to the downfall of Donghyuck.
Kudos: 81





	If I'm Not Empty, I'm Not Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> A quick vent fic I smashed out for Nano, enjoy me giving other people my mental disorders

Donghyuck lay in his bed, awake at 2am, trying to remember when his stomach screaming at him started feeling like an achievement. His hands slipped up the oversized sleep shirt to run absently along prominent ribs. A particularly sharp hunger pain sliced through him and a hand covered his mouth quickly as he glanced over to make sure Doyoung hadn’t woken and breathed a quiet sigh of relief when his hyung only groaned lightly and rolled over.

Rolling to face the wall, Donghyuck’s arms curled around his concave stomach, pinching at the fat he could still feel clinging to his hips. He knew exactly when this had started. This...disease that had taken over his life. That had turned his mind into nothing but numbers, had left him staring into the mirror, naked as he grabbed at all the fat hanging from his body.

Eyes closing tightly, Donghyuck let himself be sucked into painful memories.

***

He was getting his makeup done when the first comment came. “Donghyuck-ssi, can you tilt your head up more? You’re going to need a bit more contour around your jaw.”

“To accentuate my jaw line?” It was such an innocent question, a desire to understand more about the process that the makeup-noona’s made seem so easy, to learn how to make pretty skin and sparkling eyes on himself.

“Well, kind of. The others have very sharp jawlines, so I just want to make sure your softer face doesn’t stand out.” He was quiet after that. Donghyuck knew that his face was rounder and cuter than most of his group members. But it was noticeable enough to stand out? To make his face look less defined?

He tried to push it out of his mind, getting up and thanking the makeup-noona before plastering a wide smile on his face and running out on stage with his group.

***

“Ah, you’re eating well, Donghyuck-ah. Feeding your fluffy cheeks,” Taeyong praised while ruffling his hair. Donghyuck paused, the jajangmyeon suddenly tasting like ash in his mouth. He swallowed before covering his bowl and putting it in the refrigerator.

When Mark found a mostly full bowl of jajangmyeon in the fridge, he didn’t question it, just praised his good luck. Taeyong never knew.

***

It was barely the next day, 5 in the morning, when Donghyuck found himself standing in front of the mirror, unsure of what he was doing.

His shirt hit the ground and he was left staring at his bare torso. Donghyuck’s hands drifted towards his ‘one pack’ as he dubbed it, and nausea suddenly ripped through him. How could he not have noticed how...fat he was.  
Donghyuck couldn’t even feel the pain as his nails dug into the fat of his stomach, vision blurring as he pulled desperately at the skin. Was this what people saw when they looked at him? His head was starting to spin as he gasped for breath, knees beginning to feel weak. He sunk to the floor, unable to pull air in through the straw his throat had become, hands creeping up to pull desperately at his hair, the pain centering somehow. Almost calming as the whirlwind in his brain slowed infinitesimally.

Another tug for good measure and Donghyuck’s throat opened up more. It was a blessing that it happened behind closed doors, so no one could see how dramatic he was being. The knowledge that he’d just had a panic attack was pushed to the farthest reaches of his mind as the teen grasped the sink and pulled himself to his feet.

Immediate repulsion struck him as his eyes darted over red cheeks, swollen eyes, and the absolute birds nest of hair on top of his head and wondered tiredly what was wrong with him.

***

He was scrolling through comments on his latest fancam, sprawled out on the floor of the living room, when he came across the first one.

‘Wow, everyone looks so amazing! Donghyuckie might need a larger shirt though, I can see his cute little tummy!’

He kept scrolling until he found another. And another.

‘Everyone’s thighs look so small next to Donghyuck’s, kekeke’

‘Wow, I thought you had to be skinny to be an idol’

‘Awww, I love sharp jawlines, but Haechan’s fluffy cheeks are adorable!’

Taeil looked up from his place on the couch, confused as Donghyuck stormed past with a dark look on his face.

***

‘Fastest ways to lose weight’. Donghyuck hesitated for a moment before steeling his resolve and pressing enter. The first few results were diet pills, supplements, appetite suppressants. The next were exercise routines and portion control. And then a result that caught his eye. 

Fasting and calorie counting. How hard could it be?

***

It started slow. So slow. When Taeyong offered him breakfast, Donghyuck refused, stating that “I’ll eat later hyung, I’m kind of nauseous right now.”

After morning practice finished with 127, he claimed that lunch was promised to the dreamies and broke off from his hyung’s. When he joined the dreamies, he claimed that lunch had been eaten with 127.

With the amount of water that Donghyuck had drank throughout practice, he hadn’t even felt hungry that day. So when they were on a water break and a stabbing pain made itself known, Donghyuck almost dropped his bottle. He tried to cover up the fumble with a cough, glancing around to make sure no one had seen. He just had to make it to dinner and then he could eat something.

***

It started slow. When he got home he was so hungry he didn’t even think about eating his entire plate. Taeil had seemed so pleased to see his dongsaeng eating so well. It wasn’t until Donghyuck curled up in his bed that he remembered calories. A quick search told him that he should be able to drop weight on 2000 calories a day. Thinking back to the way his body looked, Donghyuck decided that 1500 would be a better option.

Pausing for a moment, he slowly typed in ‘calories in homemade chicken bibimbap’.

951\. He’d eaten 951 calories just for dinner. That was...insane. He needed to watch his portion sizes. Calculate what he put in his mouth instead of just shoveling it in!

Donghyuck took a deep breath. He could do this. He just needed to be smarter about it.

***

It didn’t take long for Taeyong to catch on to the skipped meals.

“You should eat something before practice, you have to stay strong and healthy!” “Aigoo, you’re looking too thin, come eat with hyung.” “Donghyuck-ah, aren’t you hungry? We should go out and get something.”

So Donghyuck had to get creative. Whole meals were thrown out. Napkins under the table to hide his food. Passing it off to anyone else at the table as long as he didn’t have to eat it.

It got the leader off his back, it was worth it.

***

“It’s worth it,” Donghyuck whispered, hunched over the bathroom scale. “It’s worth it,” he choked out, salty tears dripping onto thighs that were shrinking but still so, so fat in his eyes. “It’s worth it,” he sobbed, nails digging into his starving stomach.

***

‘Wow, Donghyuck’s lost so much weight’

‘Haechan’s jaw line has gotten so sharp!’

‘Where did his fluffy cheeks go? Although I can’t complain about how his body looks kekeke’

A sick sense of satisfaction welled up in Donghyuck’s stomach. At least something other than water was filling it now.

***

He wondered if this counted as torture, eyes glued on mukbangers eating mounds of delicious food. His mouth was watering, teeth desperate to chew food, to fill his stomach. Donghyuck barely felt the pain when he sunk them into his hand. Maybe when he was skinny, then he could indulge. Eat some delicious food. Smile for real without worrying about his cheeks or double chin.

***

It was too late when the others caught on. A stray, “you’re so skinny,” that only made Donghyuck feel proud. Careful hands curling around too-small wrists. Wide, scared eyes when fingers ran along the knobs of Donghyuck’s spine.

They slowly began to see what he was doing to himself, the destruction wrought upon his fragile body, but it didn’t matter. Donghyuck was wasting away, and when they knew what had happened, he knew that it didn’t need to be hidden any longer.

So he just stopped eating.

It was almost too easy to ignore Taeyong’s pleading eyes. Mark’s worried begging. Johnny’s careful hugs while they both ignored the wetness seeping into Donghyuck’s hair. Nothing mattered as much as being thin. Being enough.

***

Realistically, Donghyuck knew that he couldn’t last like this. His body was starving, his hair was starting to thin, and a light layer of hair was growing on his back. He knew it was disgusting. He was disgusting. But at least he wasn’t fat. That was the only thing running through his brain. He wasn’t skinny, but...he wasn’t fat.

It was almost enough. The number on his scale was almost low enough. It wasn’t there yet, but...almost. He was so so close, and then his hyung’s could stop worrying. He could eat when he was at his goal weight. When he was skinny.

***

It all came crashing down on him at dance practice. Regular was such a difficult dance, just keeping up was proving almost too much for his exhausted body, let alone making his moves sharp and powerful like they used to be.

Donghyuck was in center position when he faltered, something feeling...off. It was almost as if his limbs wouldn’t listen to him, he couldn’t move. He was almost aware of the music turning off, hearing oddly muted. There were voices, and a hand on his wrist. Donghyuck raised his eyes to meet Johnny’s wide ones through what seemed to be a mile of water.

The next thing he was aware of was darkness, desperately trying to open his eyes but unable to, giving in to the helplessness as he floated towards an unknown location.

***

When Donghyuck awoke in hospital, he was met with apologies, with concerned faces and teary eyes.

“Why are you blaming yourselves? I’m the one who did this. It was my choice.” But deep down he was almost glad that they blamed themselves, that they were upset for not noticing. With a sick sense of satisfaction, he realised that it felt like he’d made it. That he was worthy. That he was finally thin enough.


End file.
